Finding light in adversity – Anson McKay

As someone who has gone through two cancer diagnoses, one “terminal”, I know there are few upsides to having cancer. But I also know that it is too traumatic to live your life under a constant shadow; mentally the strain is too great. Yet even though hope can be in short supply, I think it is possible to still find light in your experiences to guide you through those darkest moments. In fact, I might even go as far to say that finding glimmers of light during treatment and recovery can, in turn, ease the despair.  

During my first bout of head and neck cancer (HPV-related tonsil cancer), I underwent chemoradiation therapy just as we went into national lock-down and normal life for everyone abruptly stopped. No one could have prepared me for the trauma of the side effects of radiation therapy. I experienced some of my darkest ever moments during treatment and recovery, often at night when the rest of the world was asleep.  The pain and despondency of fearing the worse was always greatest then.  

During my first bout of head and neck cancer, I found light in:  

• The kindness and generosity of people, from close friends and neighbours to people I hardly knew.  

• Writing a blog about my experiences. This provided a structure to my week of reading and researching, that allowed me to express the uncertainties I had in my treatment and recovery through a scientific framework. My blog also allowed me to express myself from of the most horrible side effects from radiation treatment through humour and GIFs! 

• However, writing the blog also introduced me to many other people who found the blog useful, a light for their own situation. And knowing that my blog was useful to others, brought that light back to me. 

• A new sense of purpose to achieve my goal of running an ultramarathon of which I had procrastinated about for over a decade. Somehow with cancer it became an imperative, if only to regain bodily and mental autonomy. 

Only a year later however, my HPV-tonsil cancer was found to have metastasised to both my lungs. My prognosis was less than a year to live. Finding light at the end of 2021 and start of 2022 was often too difficult, with thoughts of abandoning David often too overwhelming. My career came to a crashing end.  

But even then, there were some glimpses of light, and I clung onto those:  

• Through research for my blog, I knew that I was on cutting-edge treatment (immunotherapy) that had only been licensed for head and neck cancer in the UK less than 2 years earlier. For that I was really thankful.  

• I found a lot of light in having only a few side effects to the immunotherapy treatment. I knew that I was incredibly fortunate. But meant I could devote more time to running longer distances, and within a few months I was running 100-mile races.  

• Running super-long distances also allowed me to process and accept my non-binary gender identity. I think it’s also fair to say that if I hadn’t had cancer, I’d never have discovered who I really was. 

• Giving up work also allowed me more time to volunteer for Oracle Head and Neck Cancer UK, where I got to work alongside some wonderful and dedicated individuals, and meet fellow cancer patients and carers, and help set up Oracle Voices, Oracle’s Patient Advisory Group. 

• And even though I thought it not possible, having cancer brought me closer to David. 

When we are seriously ill, our goal is to get better. Life can become simplified, as problems prioritised.  And now looking back, I can see that cancer helped me find clarity in an otherwise complex life.